By Timothy Brown
YEARS ago I made a choice that I wouldn’t talk negatively about my wife to or in front of others and I’ve stuck to it. I’ll brag on her any chance I get but won’t put her down before others. As a husband, my responsibility is to build her up and help her become the person God wants her to be. If I speak negatively about her to others and it gets back to her, that will discourage her and tear her down. Also, when speaking negatively about her, I’m putting myself down because I chose to marry her. I didn’t realize it, but she made the same commitment about me.
It’s amazing what a blessing this commitment has been to our marriage. When my wife goes out with friends, I know she won’t talk bad about me to them. The next time I see those friends, I don’t have to wonder if they’re thinking negative thoughts about me because of something she’s said.
If you talk negatively about your spouse to your friends, you’re only presenting one side of the situation and those friends can develop a bad attitude about your spouse and tell others. If word gets back to your spouse (and somehow it usually does) it’s going to damage your relationship. When you spend time with those friends, your mate will wonder what bad things you’re sharing this time, even if you’re not saying anything about your mate to them.
Christian marriage: 17 commands from the Bible
The purpose of marriage
You may give the push back that you need to talk about those things to help you better deal with them. If you need to talk to someone about the negative issues with your spouse, start by talking to God. There are times when you need to go to God and unload your frustration or resentment. That’s OK. He can handle it, but if that’s all you do on a consistent basis, you can actually compound the problem. By focusing on the issues, you’re reinforcing them in your own mind and they tend to grow a bit worse with each telling. What should you do?
Take the issues to God one at a time, but instead of complaining about them, ask God to reveal to you the reason why they bother you so much. Is it a selfish reason, an unmet expectation, or are you upset about something unrelated and are looking for negative things as a result? Are you doing something, without even realizing it, that’s making your spouse act that way? Have you talked with your spouse about it or just assumed they should know it bothers you? Ask God to help you see the situation from his perspective and reveal how you may be contributing to the problem. Then ask him to help you change any wrong thoughts or attitudes on your part and to see your spouse as God sees them.
If you find you still need to talk to someone, choose that person wisely and don’t go just to vent. Don’t go to someone who will just side with you, but will look at the situation from both perspectives so they can give you proper advice. A great thing to do is to find a couple that has been married 10 or more years longer than you, that has a close and loving relationship. Instead of launching into your situation, take time to ask them for advice on what’s helped make their marriage strong. See if they would be willing to help mentor you in your marriage relationship and then be willing to follow their advice.
To close this article, I’d like to give you a two-part challenge.
Part 1: Ask yourself and God if you’ve spoken negatively about your spouse this past month. If you’re not sure, ask God to bring specific instances to mind if you have. Then talk with God about it and make a commitment that you won’t speak negatively about your mate from this point forward.
Part 2: Look for opportunities this week where you can speak positively about your spouse and even brag on them a bit. When doing so, make sure the words are genuine and come from the heart and aren’t just spoken to make them feel good or make you look good.
When you consistently speak positively about your spouse, you won’t have to worry about what will happen if they find out what you said. I don’t know about you, but when I hear that someone has said something positive about me, it makes me feel good inside. Isn’t that something you want for your spouse?
Timothy Brown has been in ministry for over 30 years and has been married to his wife for over 30 years. He has a desire to help other married couples strengthen their marriages.
